naive

i've never felt so betrayed. im done.

upset

you dont even act like my boyfriend. yeah, you call me babe. but thats prettty much the only "boyfriend-y" thing you do.
you hang out with your friends all the time. i havent seen you in a week. you cant even talk to me. god. im so fucking stupid.
i hate this.
im not going to talk to you for a few days and see if you care.
tired of this bullshit.

relationship

The point of being in a relationship is to enjoy each others company, is to be there to support each other when they need it most.

yeah..
not my relationship.
fuck.

feelings

i guess i'll keep holding on and see where it takes me.
"some days i feel like shit. some days i wanna quit."

most days, he makes me feel terrible. he makes me feel like shit. he makes me cry. he makes me want to leave. other days, it's perfect. i'm happy. i go to sleep smiling. he makes me want to love him even more.

it is worth holding on to. i know he cares for me. i know he loves me. but he really needs to show it. i realllly love him, but some days aren't as much as other days. i dont know what i'd do if i lost him..

i wish things never changed. i wish we could go back to being who we were several months ago. i wish he knew what he wanted. i wish he could say that he honestly wants to be with me.
i wish he knew what i was giving up.

there are days where idk why im with him. there are days where i wish i never fell in love. how i wish i never met him. but in the end, love conquers all. and i can't change my past.

"Whatever you do in life will be insignificant. But it's very important that you do it."

- Ghandi via "Remember Me"

i watched remember me today. i really liked it, but i was very surprised at the ending.

sooner than later

So can you do me a favor?
If I pull it together
Make it sooner than later
We wont be here forever
And ill realize I waited too long
But please don’t move on
You don’t need no one else
<3

im slowly giving up and idk how to stop.

done

i'm done.
finally.

new me

gonna start being happpy and carefreee :)
+ more patient about things...
sigh.

bye bye bye

wow, fuck this.
i can't believe you.

another night slips away,

in other words, I should say
there are no words, you should say
there are no words.

Today was a good day :) Brandon picked me up from school and we hung out at his house with his friends. It was really nice hanging out with him today because although we don't see each other as often as we like, we still make each other happy (most times). By watching Valentine's Day over the weekend, I realized that loving someone means loving their good and bad traits. He makes me smile, he makes me cry. Some days are like roller coasters, while others are like a desert. He gets really upset every time I mention college, or Eugene. :| I don't know what to do, except that I can't live at home. It's hell. I might go to U of O for 2 years and then transfer to PSU. We'll see how that goes.

I really really love him :) 13 months coming up <33

looking up

i feel like i'm getting better at this everyday.

what to do

i want to have great days.
i want to have unforgettable days.
i want to be happy.

im not.
im not.
im not.

i'm all tears now.

2nd the best

i think it's ridiculous how you ALWAYS put me 2nd. everything you do, it's like im just there. i don't want to be just there anymore. i want you to make me a priority. im tired of you putting others before me when i always put you before everyone else.

what to do

i want to be with you forever.
but if you dont think you can trust me while im in college, then we should just end this.
you said you dont know if you're gonna love me in the future when im gone, and i dont want to be with someone who's doubting their love for me.
that makes no sense.
you want to be with me forever, yet you dont know if you're gonna love me in college.
im getting tired of a lot of things.
everyday you make me cry, most of the time without realizing it.
you tell me you love me all the time, but you dont act like it. i dont get it.
everyday, my reasons for being with you become less + less.
i still love you, but i dont see you loving me.
i dont know why im giving so much to a person who doesn't even show they care.

i think you're better off single.
you wouldnt have to deal with me getting upset at stupid things anymore.
you dont have to always talk to me or have anything to do with me.

i miss who you used to be.
i miss you taking care of your brother.
i miss you getting on aim + IMing me.
i miss you calling me cecilia le cutie monster.
i miss the awkward times we had when we first started liking each other.
i miss the time when you made me cupcakes and failed a bunch of times and had to get the right things for it. i wish i still had the picture.
i miss you, just you.

i dont think you truly care about me anymore. i mean, you say it and sometimes i see it. but its not enough. i dont think im asking for too much. idk. i could be.
if you dont think this is going to work out in the future, the leave me.
it'll be better for the both of us.
you know i love you. i tell you that everyday. i tell you want to be with you for the rest of my life everyday. and you said you believed me.

but now it's up to to you.
what do you really want?

keep coming around.

i loveeeeeee you, come back soon from california :(

st. valentine

soo, just found out i'm gonna be valentine-less this year :( le boyfriend will be offf in california for his birthdayy weekend. yayy me. -_- searching for a tutor still, but i think we might have found one. sorta. jon's daddddy! but maybs. idk. kinda awk? i have to email the tutor kim and i saw on sunday and tell her that we don't want her.... yay. $50 a week.... no thanks. i'd rather do without one. definitely failed my math test. got 6 out of 40. sigh. this semesterr = new me! gonna actually tryy i guesss. ok hw time. :( byesiessss.

somewhere to begin.

Life is finally a neutral point. Haven't been like this in a while. Things are just going smoothly. I finished Dear John today. It seems like a very true story. Can't wait to watch itt. People say it's like thee best book ever and it's their favorite and stuff, but i dont see it. Idk. Maybe i expected too much. Next book, the last song maybe. Or Time traveler's wife. or the notebook. or lovely bones. lol. so many options. Kim, Nicole and I are looking for a math tutor. So far, 1 guy responded and he's soo pricey -_- Maybe I'll just ask my cousin who's ridiculously smart. Lately, I've been listening to sad songs and wanting to read sad books.
Lifehouse - somewhere only we know
Miley Cyrus - When I look at you

Probably got a bunch of B's last semester. FML. :( kinda wish I cared more, but... not really since either way, U of O is where I'm gonna go. Oh and Kim and I are going to be in the talent show singing Smelly Cat :) haha. I'm excited. It'd be sooo stupid/fun. Brandon's birthday is next weeekend. He's going off to California while i'll be working. sad sad.



Just so you know, this is what we both wanted.

out of sight

out of mind? let's see how that goes for a while. this weekend was fun. hung out with brandon, then with julia in eugene. i feel like i made the right decision :) life is goood. for the most part.

erased.

Dre - Erased

you want to be free
you want to leave me
i can't believe
'cause without you baby i'm incomplete

am i erased?
just a segment of your imagination
i'm feeling replaced
like a faded picture where you can't see my face
I'm scratched out, erased, erased, erased.

currently listening to that song. every song reminds me of brandon. this is getting pathetic. i need a life. i need to move on. why am i dwelling in the past. he says we're seeing each other, but it doesn't seem like it. why am i always sad. why do i always cry. every single thing reminds me of him. i need to be stronger than this.

finals week. fml. haven't studied, dont really care. maybe reading will help. i miss everything about the past. :|

turn to grey.

if letting you go is the only way i can get you back, then alright. if not, then gooodbye. i miss the way you used to love me. i miss the way we used to be months and months ago. i miss how you were home more than you are now and would talk to me. now you're always at your friends house. i hope you figure out what you want soon because im not gonna be here for long. i love you, you love me. i guess only time will tell.

sticks+stones,

done calling/aiming. i stilll love you, but act like you care please.
one minute, things are good, the next.. they're not. life.

picking battles.

things went good today between us. well better at least. i hope things start to get even better. im learning how to pick my battles and not getting upset at everything. startingg to be happy again. :)

trying.

honestly, i dont know why im even doing this. you obviously dont care. you treat like shit. i do soo much for you, it's ridiculous. god. i want to be done already. it's not helping either of us. i still love you, but it's like you dont care.. god. this is soo fucking stupid. i hate this. i hate me. i hate you. i hate everything.

its like you have my wrapped around your finger and i dont even care. this is so messed up. i am such a loser.

letting go.

i really want to let go, but it's so hard.. i thought i was stronger that i actually am. i dont know what to do anymore.

please

someone kill me please.

gone wrong

i'm losing everything i've ever had. idk how i'm even alive right now. it hurts so bad. idk what happened that spiraled everything out of control. there's nothing for me to live for. i cry everyday. i can't choose to be happy. it's not even an option.
i just want to be with you. that's all i want. im so sorry i hurt you.. but i hurt me too. i regret doing that. please.. i dont want to do this without you. i promise, we could happy again. give me a chance.. i can't sleep. this is all that's on my mind. i miss you. i love you and you're all i want. i'll wait for you, but i cant wait forever.

clueless.

some people are such assholes. idk why i even bother.

move along

idk if that was the smartest or the stupidest thing i've ever done. whatever it was, i did it and its over.

f you.

yes you.

giving up.

keeping my mind off that ..

be free.

FLYING SOLO.
first time in a longg time.

so tired

OF BULLSHIT.

great start.

wow. you're an idiot. you don't even care. you make me cry and i'm still there. i don't even know what the hell i'm doing anymore. this is pretty much all for nothing. i'm so tired of everything. i just want it to be over. some people are so fucking stupid. i hate this.

new year, new life.

Just got back home from Hawaiii. It was pretty funn. The guys are sooo cuuute. haha. Like, the dancers from the shows. I wanna move there noww. Maybe. Lol. Everything's been soo ridiculous. I don't even know what to do or think anymore. Things are super confusing and idk what I want. Anyway, school starts in a couple days. I don't wanna goo :((